Mambo Imechemka

I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve come to me saying, “Nelson, Ruth amekusaidia sana.” Hardly do these folks back up their claims with statistical data but they are adamant that I’ve been the biggest beneficiary of this relationship. Nobody, absolutely nobody has ever come to me and said, “Nelson, kama si wewe, Ruth angehangaika hii Nairobi.”

That’s why I take this opportunity to set the record straight that I met Ruth when she weighed a paltry 49kg. I weighed 30kg more at the time. Rumour has it that at 49kg, doctors don’t recommend getting pregnant. To add insult to injury, that weight falls below the minimum entry requirements for some careers like the army or police service!

Two weeks ago Ruth and I both weighed 70kg. That’s a massive gain of 30 per cent under my administration! Wapi makofi? Scientists are yet to discover a way someone gains weight under less than optimum life conditions. Suffice it therefore to say that kama sio mimi, Ruth angehangaika hii Nairobi. She would not be wife material on account of being too lightweight to get pregnant and she would miss out on select jobs for being too small!

Seriously though, the writing was on the wall when we both weighed in at 70kg just at the same time we announced our wedding. We have achieved equilibrium. The stars have aligned. The die is cast and like General Julius Caesar and his army crossing the Rubicon to signal the end of the Roman Republic, we believe it’s time to open a new chapter. We have come to a boil. Truly, truly mambo imechemka.