My First 100 Days Promises to Ruth
On the day we marked 100 days to our June 9th wedding, Ephraim Wainaina asked me in the wedding fundraiser WhatsApp group what I’ll do for Ruth in my first 100 days in office as Omuhusband. It’s taken me three weeks to get a complete and concise answer. Here goes:
- No Housing Levy for Ruth
In my first 100 days in office as Ruth’s omuhusband, I will refund all the 1.5% Housing Levy that President Ruto will deduct from her payslip. I will also ensure my wife receives a rent relief equal to the rent she was paying before marriage. I can hear journalists, nay, enemies of development, at the back saying Ruth has never paid rent in her life but let’s not let the facts get in the way of a good manifesto!
- Universal Healthcare with no SHIF for Ruth! NHIF only!
In my first 100 days, I promise to be Ruth’s resident doctor regardless of the fact the closest I’ve come to being a medic is trespassing through University of Nairobi’s Chiromo Campus.
Who needs Social Health Insurance Fund when they can get the good old Nelson Health Insurance Fund?
- Kazi Mtaani and Kazi Kwa Vijana for Ruth
Ruth will never be jobless as long as she lives under my roof. Nitaweka mikakati to ensure there’s always a steady stream of kazi mtaani. My curtains have not met water for five years to begin with. Three square meals a day will ensure no end of utensils to be washed. I’ll stop recycling clothes on June 9th 2024 at the stroke of midnight. This will provide work which Ruth will never be fired from as long as I live!
- Free Internet and Calls for Ruth!
In my first 100 days, I will ensure Ruth spends zero shillings on calls and the internet. Not by paying for Home Fibre but by my mere presence. I’m the router, the hotspot and the password. Who needs to make calls outside when they have their omuhusband in the house? Who needs to browse Instagram when we shall have our wedding photos and videos to admire over and over again?
- Free Maternity
It will be nigh on impossible to get Ruth knocking on Pumwani Maternity’s door in 100 days but with such an Omuhusband as me, nothing is impossible. If push comes to shove, I promise Ruth free maternity drawing on my 2014 experience of helping my mama’s Friesian cow deliver a calf. If I’ve delivered a 50kg calf with bare hands, sembuse a 3kg baby?
- 50%+1 of the Cabinet will be made of women!
In my first 100 days, I will implement Diversity, Equality and Inclusive measures to ensure our home government is made up of not only 50% women but also 50% +1 (the day scholar househelp). I can hear women at the back murmuring that I should leave the househelp out of the home government but I’d like to remind them that is discriminatory and not in line with my government’s dedication to inclusivity and affirmative action.
- Reduce the cost of living for Ruth!
In my first 100 days, I will bring down the cost of living for Ruth regardless of the war between Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East crisis or the effect of Somali pirates on global shipping. For one, I will buy my new wife a wig to save her the expense of changing hairstyles every couple of weeks!
I will also reduce the cost of living by continuing my long time practice of showering with a Kibuyu kipande soap instead of Cussons Imperial Leather. I will reduce the cost of living by instituting the use of my favorite Arimis milking jelly instead of Nivea Lotion. I will reduce the cost of living by embracing the health reform message of vegetarianism like a good Adventist family should!
- Hustler Fund for Ruth!
In my first 100 days, I will set up a hustler fund for my new wife. Texts like, “Babe, nisaidie 2K urgently,” will no longer be grey ticked but blue ticked and actioned with the accompanying sound track of an MPESA message coming through pronto!
The only term and condition is Hustler fund service will only be available for expenses below 2K once a month initially to gauge my wife’s credit score
- No Immigrants & No Visa for Ruth!
In my first 100 days, I will build a border wall for the entire length of our border to keep the Mexicans, if so to speak, out. I will round up, intern and deport undocumented immigrants from my borders to ensure Ruth has autonomy in her own house. Her position as the undisputed permanent and pensionable No.1 and only wife will be cast in stone.
In other developments, Ruth will no longer need a visa to come to my house because it will be our home. She will no longer be subject to being searched for drugs and dangerous substances at the port of entry for she will have a VIP pass with the caretaker.
- Single Business Permit & eCitizen
In my first 100 days, I will ensure my new wife adopts my name in all her government documents including KCSE and KCPE certificates in an effort to do business together under a single business permit. I will ensure she closes all her bank accounts like the government closed all government paybills to transact only on the eCitizen platform. I’ll be her eCitizen now that you ask. My joy will be full the day Ruth tells one Shirley Ochola she must consult her omuhusband before she can honour one of her many invites. Then I’ll tell Shirley to register her invites on eCitizen (eCitizen ni mimi remember) to enjoy any government services.